Gotham Chronicles: Mayored to the Mafia
by Wormtail96
Summary: Fanmake of Simpsons episode, "Mayored to the Mob". After saving Daniel Radcliff and Mayor Daffy from a chaotic convention, Mordecai and Rigby become the Gotham Mayor's new bodyguards. But things go south when they clash with the city's mafia...
1. Chapter One

**(A/N) Hello, everyone. As it is the beginning of my Summer Holiday, I am going to write a fanmake of one of my favourite _Simpsons_ episodes. So enjoy.**

* * *

**Gotham Chronicles**

**Mayored to the Mafia**

**Chapter One**

* * *

You know, Gotham City, like most cities, is a place of many stories. We Gothamites call them 'Gotham Chronicles' and yes, they go beyond the Dark Knight and his Rogues Gallery. I mean, Gotham is a home of eccentrics, again, like many cities, and its from those eccentrics that most Gotham Chronicles originated. I know about, uh, one hundred and sixty-two of 'em, and I'm now gonna give you one of my favourites. It's about those idiots, Mordecai and Rigby and how for a short period of time, they became personal bodyguards. Now lie, I swear to the great good Lord it happened and being the two they are, they managed to fuck it up somehow. Lemme tell you all about it and also let me warn you, I've been drinkin extensively...

* * *

Mordecai and Rigby were inside the living room of the city park's manor house where they worked as the groundskeepers. The anthromorphic racoon and blue jay were both on break, nursing a bottle of cider each as they sat down at the couch watching the television. Nothing good was currentlyon, so they settled for watching a really hammy soap opera…from Belarus.

"_Уладзімір, я цяжарная!"_

_"Вось ужо ў трэці раз на гэтым тыдні!"_

"Dude, do you even know what's going on?" Rigby asked his friend tiredly, his eyes not leaving the television screen. "I lost track ages ago."

"No, dude. I'm too busy being totally wasted." Mordecai replied dully, swaying left and right slightly in his seat. "I think I might have alcohol poisoning after having what…" He held up the bottle. "…twelve of these?"

The screen on the television suddenly changed to the title card and the American narrator spoke, _"We'll return to 'дзярмо' after these messages..." _

Shrugging indifferently, Rigby sighed, "Well, I'd rather get a message instead of another lousy commercial."

"Oh, well perhaps a P.S.A. would satisfy the young gentleman?" Mordecai deadpanned, raising the bottle to his beak, only to find it was empty. "Aw, crap."

The television screen turned black and a tough-guy narrator spoke over titles that zoomed in on screen. "_Hey, all you nerds! You like Star Wars?"_ The title _'STAR WARS' _zoomed in.

Mordecai and Rigby looked at each other and then replied slowly and unsure, "Uhh…yeah?"

"_You like Battlestar Galactica?"_ The title _'BATTLESTAR GALACTICA'_ zoomed in.

"Sure." Mordecai said, sounding more enthusiastic now.

"_And do you LOVE Star Trek?"_ _'STAR TREK' _spun in on the screen in golden capitals.

The two leaned forward, now looking very much excited. "Oh yeah, we do!"

All three titles appeared on screen but suddenly disintegrated as the narrator continued, _"Well then FUCK YOU, because this Saturday in the city of Gotham, it's the bi-annual Magic and Fantasy Convention. That's right, it's "Bi-Mon-Fanta-Con", where we celebrate all the magic and fantasy crap that's overtaken Sci-Fi by far. Come meet all your favourite stars! 'Harry Potter's' own Daniel Radcliff_!" Daniel Radcliff's photo shopped head spun onto the screen. _"Gollum!"_ The same happened for Gollum's. _"And many more!" _This time, both Daniel and Gollum's heads flew on-screen simultaneously. _"Come this Saturday, or be a total LOSER!"_

The commercial ended and the two co-workers looked at each other wide-eyed. "You wanna go?" Rigby asked Mordecai.

"Yes. Yes, I do."

Rigby jumped up onto the coffee table and cheered, "Alright! Whoooooo!" He picked up the television remote and waved it around like a wand. "I'm _so_ getting Radcliff's autograph!"

"Pfft. You can, but I'm not." Mordecai frowned, leaning back into the couch. "_'Harry Potter' _sucks."

"You take that back!" He snapped, balling his fists.

"It's true, Rigby. It doesn't hold a candle to like, I dunno, _'Lord of the Rings'_ or something like that."

The anthromorphic racoon hopped off the coffee table and told his friend, "Fine then. We'll just have to go to that convention and we'll _see_ who's right. Though I'm not sure how we'll get there. Last time I checked, it's not our day off on Saturday."

"We're gonna have to convince Benson to let us off…" Mordecai put his wing to his beak. "Hmmm…" He then snapped them, despite how biologically impossible that is. "I got it."

* * *

That Saturday, at Gotham City's '_Bi-Mon-Magi-Con'_, Mordecai and Rigby had finally managed to convince their boss, Benson, who was the park manager, to let them attend the event. What they agreed to was that all the staff would attend the convention, where they would advertise the park, whilst Mordecai and Rigby took the chance to look around.

Benson, a living gumball machine, stood outside the building in which the convention was being held with the park employees, including Mordecai and Rigby. The others were a large Yeti named Skips; a large zombie man named Mitch, though he went by 'Muscle Man'; a ghost with a hand on his head named High Five Ghost and the last was the son of the owner of the park, a naïve lollipop-shaped and well-dressed man named Pops.

"Okay, now look," Benson said, holding a stack of flyers in his hands. "This convention is a good opportunity to inform potential customers about the park, so..." He handed each of them a share of flyers. "Each of you take these and hand them out to anyone you can." Seeing Mordecai and Rigby look at him with raised eyebrows and shrugs, he rolled his eyes and said, "Ugh, and once you're done; feel free to take a look around the stalls. But we're meeting back in _one hour, _understood?" He added sharply, casting a glare at the blue jay and racoon. "One hour!"

"Got it, Benson." Mordecai said and winked to Rigby. "One hour."

* * *

The group entered the convention and by God, it was the Fantasy conventional from Hell! It was filled to the brim with nerds of all ages and backgrounds, almost all of them dressed up in some crappy Fantasy based costume their mothers made. Yet despite this, there were hundreds of stalls that were selling all kinds of Fantasy memorabilia that would make even the biggest fanboy drool. There was even a food court that sold food and drinks based off popular Fantasy books and films.

After they handed out the flyers, Mordecai and Rigby slipped through the gaps in the crowds, passing the many different stalls. They had already met up with Pops and Skips and bought themselves some "butterbeer". Rigby had also bought him a lifetime's supply of Pogs and Mordecai a monkey's paw. No kidding, a freaking monkey's paw! The kind you made wishes one, usually with deadly consequencees. But that's another story.

Rigby narrowed his eyes disaprovingly as he glanced at some of the patrons of the conventions. "Are you guys _sure_ this is the Fantasy Convention? It's full of nerds!"

"No shit, Sherlock. I…" Mordecai deadpanned, but stopped dead in his tracks when he saw what was ahead of him. It was tall, female anthromorphic robin dressed up in an Arwen costume. Her name was Margret, a waitress at one of the cafés Mordecai and Rigby frequented and a girl who, let's just say, Mordecai had a thing for. "M-M-Margret?"

She heard his voice and turned from what she was doing to look at him and smiled, "Oh, hey, Mordecai! I didn't expect to see you guys here."

"Wh-what are you doing?"

"My friends and I are going to get autographs from the booths here." She motioned to the series of autograph boots to her right, the line including some of the most popular names in the Fantasy genre. "I just got back from getting Frodo's."

However, there was one person at the booth who was being completely ignored. This was ancient man with a silver beard and dressed in stereotypical blue wizard robes and hat. He was looking pretty pissed off by being overshadowed by the other, more popular figures at the booths. "People! People!" He yelled irritably, trying to gain their attention. "I am a REAL wizard! You people think that's not cool? I'm not some two-bit actor; I'm a GENUINE magic user, for Christ's sake!

"Pffft! Nobody cares." Rigby mocked cruelly as his group passed by.

Skips looked through the programme on the convention and then at his watch and told the group in his low monotone voice, "Hmmm, it's nearly time for Daniel Radcliff's appearance at the far end of the convention. We better get there quick or we'll be late."

"Well, then what're we waiting for? Let's go!" Rigby got excited and began to lead everybody through the crowd and to the far end of the building.

"Ooooo, we're going to meet gentleman, Harry Potter, are we?" Pops asked in his jolly voice, whilst expressing himself as an upright gentleman as he did constantly. "Do you suppose he shall regale us all with his tales of daring do and fancy?"

"Sure, maybe." Mordecai replied unenthusiastically.

* * *

Meanwhile, at the far end of the building near the fire exit, an anthropomorphic duck took to the centre of a stage in front of a set of large purple curtain. He had black feathers, an orange bill and orange webbed feet with a white collar around his neck and was wearing a grey suit and black tie. He was Daffy Duck, the Mayor of Gotham City.

Daffy straightened his tie, took the microphone and addressed the crowd that had gathered around the stage, _"Welcome wizards, hobbits, and the rest of you dateless wonders."_ Despite the fact the Mayor had blatantly insulted them, the crowd cheered nonetheless.

Whilst this was happening, the group arrived at the rim of the crowd, and were immediately closed in by the constant flow of gathering patrons. "This is the place," Mordecai said, looking around at the scenery. "I think we just made it in time."

"**There you are!"** They all turned their heads to see Benson shoving through the crowd towards them. He looked positively pissed off. "I've been looking all over for you guys! It's been **TWO HOURS! **And where the heck are Muscle Man and High Five?"

"Aw, come on, Benson, we're about to see Daniel Radcliff!" Rigby tried to reason with him. "That's the whole reason I wanted to come to this thing!"

"Tough! We are going, no-" Before he got the chance to finish, Rigby, wanting to buy some time, shoved Benson hard into the bustling crowd, in which he quickly disappeared. "What the-? _**RIGBYYYYY!"**_

Watching Benson being carried off in the sea of nerds, Mordecai looked down and high-fived Rigby. "Dude, that was awesome!"

Back on stage, Mayor Daffy continued to speak into the microphone, a drum roll being played in the background, _"And now, ladies and gentleman, I present to you the man who made 'Harry Potter' the sick, twisted cult of drooling fan girls it is; the boy who lived himself, Daniel Radcliff!"_

The curtains behind Daffy slowly rose and thick smoke was admitted from behind, causing the crowd (Rigby most of all) to cheer wildly and let out high-pitched fan girl screams. The smoke cleared and a bright green light and smoke appeared from a cardboard cut-out of a fire chimney. When that cleared, Daniel Radcliff, dressed up in his Hogwarts uniform and robe, as well as his glasses and lightning scar makeup, walked out onto the stage.

Radcliff took out his 'wand' and began "magically blasting" cardboard Death Eaters, knocking them over, as well as a "Jar Jar Binks" cut-out. He approached the front of the stage and waved politely to the crowd.

"Hey, thanks, everybody." Daniel addressed the group, who had fallen completely silent and he took a hold of the microphone Daffy had been using. _"You know, I'm here today as Harry Potter, but I'm also here..."_ He then removed the veil of a nearby object on stage. It was a chart. _"…to talk about Bing."_ Daniel then used his wand as a pointing stick for the chart, whilst the crowd watched with confusion. _"As you can see, with Bing you can find what you're specifically looking for at a much quicker rate than the common search engines such as Google."_

Muscle Man, who was standing in the crowd with High Five Ghost, yelled out impatiently to Daniel, "Dude! Talk about _"Harry Potter"!"_ This received a chorus of annoyed "yeah's" from the crowd.

Benson, of all people, stood up above the crowd and shouted them down. "You stupid nerds! He's trying to save you wasted time and money on the internet!"

""_Harry Potter", eh?"_ Daniel rubbed his chin, and then re-addressed the crowd, deciding it was now best to jump to the chase and give the people what they wanted. _"Well, let me ask you all this: how many of you have ever dreamed of being in one of the series' films?"_ This made the crowd go wild with "me's". _"Well, of course, the films are over now, but I can off you the next best thing. We're gonna act out a scene, and I'll need a volunteer to play You Know Who." _

"Voldemort?" A giant anthromorphic panda named Po gasped in surprise and raised his paw. "Oh, me, me, me, me, me!"

Everyone in the crowd raised their hands also, vocally begging for the chance of a lifetime to be on stage with Daniel and work with him, some of them of course probably having re-enacted hundreds of scenes thousands of time.

A thirteen-year-old hero dressed in blue named Finn the Human stood forward and called out to the stage anxiously, "Dan! Dan! Pick me; my whole life has been _leading_ to this moment!"

"_Whoa,_ that is unbelievably sad!" Blue-haired Coraline Jones snapped, shoving Finn aside. "Your life can go suck it, because if anyone's gonna play Voldemort, it's me!"

Suddenly, Blooregard Q. Kazoo shoved himself between the two and stood forward obnoxiously. "Stand aside, you amateurs! You need an intimidating bald guy to play the role, and who fits that role better than anyone else? Me, that's who!" He then struck menacing poses as if he were the real Lord Voldemort. "See this? This is what people in the acting business call 'theatricality'."

"That's not theatricality!" Jake the Dog, Finn's best friend who possessed the power of elasticity, yelled and made his fist grow large. "I'll show _you_ theatricality!" He punched Bloo square in the face, sending him flying.

And like freaking clockwork, the violence spread amongst the crowd and a riot quickly broke out. Even people who had not even batted an eyelash at each other earlier that day started fighting. Fists were swung, chairs picked up and thrown across the room and surprisingly, more than a couple of fires were started. The carnage was so horrific, it would be a crime to ask any author to describe it any further, especially if said author was really tired and just could not think of any other description for what is actually quite a generic riot scene. Just sayin'.

Daniel and Daffy both too found themselves caught in the frenzy. The crowd of nerds clambered up onto the stage and started encroaching upon the two into a corner of the stage. Now and then, a daring nerd would launch him or herself at them, only for Daniel to easily shove them. Even he was starting to look worried by this. He had dealt with his fan frenzies before, but nothing of this magnitude.

Daffy hide behind Daniel for protection and asked rhetorically, slapping his forehead, "Oh God, can't this city go one day without a riot?"

"Don't you have bodyguards or something?" Daniel asked him, holding up his dukes defensively to the army of nobodies and losers.

"Yeah, you're right; where the hell are they?"

* * *

Outside, Daffy's two black suited and sunglasses wearing goons were laying on top of his limousine's bonnet. Their names were Mr Black and Mr White, and they stared up at the clouds peacefully, obviously having underrated the power of nerds in large groups. The fools!

"Is there anything fluffier than a cloud?"

Mr Black replied, "Well, if there is, I honestly don't wanna know about it."

* * *

Back inside the convention, the nerds were coming in closer, their pale, sweaty hands outstretched. Daffy was now getting desperate. "We're screwed! Daniel, use your wand and _Avada Kedavra_ their asses!"

"What, and break it? The studio makes me pay for these!"

Deciding to save his own skin, Daffy shoved Daniel into the nerd swarm, yelling, "Take him! He's the one you want!"

One faction of nerds swallowed Daniel and completely encircled him, with whom he fought for his life. "Hey, watch the hair! Hey, back off you freaking dweebs!" He yelled in vain, shoving off the tidal wave of nerds and nobodies.

With Mordecai and Rigby's group, they had slipped themselves out of the chaos and to an area of the building where they were safe. They looked over at the stage in horror at Radcliff's plight.

"Oh, no! Daniel Radcliff's in trouble!" Margret gasped.

"Someone's gotta get him outta there." Skips told them, looking through a pair of binoculars. "Otherwise, that swarm of nerds is going to kill him!"

This possibility seemingly being too much for Rigby and to an extent Mordecai to take, the former balled his fists, threw his arms in the air and let out a blood curdling scream. **"N-NER-**_**NEEEEEEEERDS!" **_There was no way he was going to let his favourite actor be butchered by a bunch of pale, clammy losers with no social lives.

Breaking into a rage, the two ran towards the stage, screaming and beating the ever loving shit out of every nerd in their path. They punched skulls, kneed ribs and kicked throats! They got onto the stage and reached the Mayor and Daniel, clearing the last few nerds off them.

"Mr Radcliff! Mr Mayor! Come on!" Mordecai told them, looking back and beating a few more approaching nerds away.

"Who the hell are you two?" Daniel, who was cowering on the floor with his hands over his head, asked in surprise.

"I'm Rigby and he's Mordecai." Mordecai answered him, motioning to himself and Mordecai, and standing tall and proud, making himself look like a hero. "We're nerd busters and we're gettin' you out of here!"

Radcliff clutched his leg in pain, cringing and toppling over. "Gah! I can't, Rigby... I twisted my ankle. You guys go on without me."

"Never!" Mordecai hoisted Daniel up in his wings and carried the actor. He looked back at Daffy and said to him, "Follow us!"

The four looked around the stage, searching a spot where they could make their escape, when Rigby noticed the cardboard fireplace from which Daniel previously emerged. He led the group over to the chimney and stepped inside.

"Alright, guys, hang on tight." Rigby said and picked up a handful of green-looking powder from a pot next to the cardboard cut-out.

"Uh, Rigby…" Mordecai began to say.

"_To Godric's Hallow!" _Rigby announced loudly and threw the sand to the floor. They all stood there waiting for a moment, until realisation finally hit Rigby and he saw their dry, unimpressed looks. Walking out of the cardboard fireplace, Rigby argued, "Well, hey, come on! How was I supposed to know it's not real Floo powder?"

"Mordecai! Rigby! Over here!" They turned their heads in the direction of Skips' voice and saw him and the others by the fire exit which the stage was right next to. Getting off the stage, the fourth made a mad dash out of the chaotic Armageddon the convention had transformed into.

* * *

Now outside the building, Mordecai and Rigby led the group to the safety of a nearby bench, where they stopped to catch their breath. The blue jay set Daniel on the bench, on which the ravaged Mayor slumped down on as well. Mordecai looked around at the assembled group, which now included Muscle Man and High Five Ghost. "Okay, I think everyone's made it out. Anyone not here?"

"I do not see Benson anywhere." Pops said worriedly, ringing his hands. "Do you suppose he is alright?"

Rigby shook his head and waved his hand dismissively. "Forget Benson! He's gone!"

Benson suddenly appeared behind the raccoon and screamed, **"I'M RIGHT HERE, YOU IDIOT!"** He was so furious with him already that his gumballs had turned dark red.

Dusting the dust off his close and having now caught his breath, Daniel stood up from the bench. "That was close. Well, thanks a lot, Mordecai and Rigby. I owe you one." He started walking off.

"Well, it's a..." Mordecai stopped in midsentence when he noticed something about Radcliff. He was walking perfectly compared to a few minutes ago. "H-hey! I thought you twisted your ankle!"

"Oh, yeah..." Daniel said nervously, looking down at his leg. "Well, see, the thing about that, is..." He did not finish and just ran off, leaving Mordecai and Rigby to frown dryly.

Apparently the fires that been caused inside the convention had grown out of control, as smoke poured out the doors and windows and the fire bell rang. Nerds started running out the exits, screaming like little girls.

Mayor Daffy, who was still lying on the bench, groaned in pain as Mr Black and Mr White walked up to him as if nothing had happened.

"Hey, boss. We were just talking about you." Mr White spoke to his boss nonchalantly.

But Daffy was not at all happy to see his body guards. "You call yourselves bodyguards? I was nearly ripped to pieces in there! You're fired, both of you!" He snapped at them furiously.

"Fired, huh?" Mr White scoffed, crossing his arms. "Who else you gonna find to take a bullet for you?"

"Or have his genitals hooked up to a car battery?" Mr Black added doubtfully.

"I'll tell you who...them!" Daffy pointed, who else, Mordecai and Rigby.

The blue jay and racoon stood there for a moment, looking stunned, before looking at each other. What else could they say but…?

"**OHHHHHHHH!"** They waved their fists in the air and cheered wildly.

* * *

**(A/N) Okay, that's chapter one done. If you guys have any suggestions for casting or ideas for the story in general, please let me know in a review. So please do read and review! **


	2. Chapter Two

**(A/N) Okay, here's the second chapter. It's a bit shorter than the first, but to make up for it, I've added my own dash of originality to it, especially around the end.**

* * *

**Gotham Chronicles**

**Mayored to the Mafia**

**Chapter Two**

So faster than you can say "plot convenience", Mordeci and Rigby found themselves assigned as the Mayor's personal bodyguards. Most normal people would stop to think the matter over for a few days before making such a big decision as this, but as you might have guessed by now, these two were not normal people; they were straight up idiots. Still, it was an obvious plus that they were gonna make a lot more as the mayor's bodyguards than as nogoodnik groundskeepers.

However, the process was not as simple as they first thought it was. There was a lot of protocol involved, including thorough background and health checks, and both were supposed to swear an oath of loyalty upon taking their jobs. However, before they did that, the two had to gain some "qualifications" in order to become official bodyguards.

Mordeci and Rigby were sent on a two week course at _'Yosemite Sam's Bodyguard Academy'_, where the nation's best bodyguards-to-be were put under the most gruelling, torturous training they had ever experienced in their pointless, meaningless lives.

They began at 4:00 in the morning, much to the two's annoyance, and were lined up outside with a few other new recruits in the same manner as soldiers. They were all dressed in white shirts and blue pants, with dog tags hanging around their legs.

Marching up and down the line of pale, pasty-faced recruits was the owner and instructor of the academy, Yosemite Sam himself. He addressed them in his gruff southern voice and twirled his long shaggy red beard, "Recruits, attention!" They all straightened up and he continued, "As I'm sure, the loyalties of most of you ladies are one of the following: your family, your country, your President, or your – pffft – "God". Am I right?" He finished stopping and shooting a look at Mordeci.

"Uh…yeah?" He answered unsure.

"Wrong!" Sam spat on the grassy ground and punched Mordeci square on the beak, making the latter yell and hold it in pain. Sam continued to march up and down. "As of now, that shit goes out the window! You are training to become bodyguards, and as a bodyguard, your only loyalty is to your protectee. They are your boss, soul mate, messiah and king!"

Rigby, strangely, spoke up in defiance. "Jesus is MY only king!" He protested angrily, pointing at him.

Sam came up to him and pulled back his fist. "Not no more, he ain't!" POW!

* * *

Sometime later that day, a few academy employees carted out a few wagons filled with large watermelons. A few of the recruits, Mordeci and Rigby included, were each handed melons, some of them reading "Lady Gaga", "Bono", and "Bachmann".

"These watermelons represent your protectees." Sam explained to the recruits whilst the watermelons were being spread around. "Throughout this course, you will protect your melon as if it were paying your salar—Hey!"

All eyes fell upon the blue jay and racoon, whom were both in the middle of scoffing and slurping their "Obama" and "Biden" watermelons. They stopped for a moment when they saw everyone looking at them.

"What?" Mordeci asked blankly, a bit of watermelon dropping out his beak.

* * *

Later on, Sam was lying on a small hill with a sniper rifle, aiming it at a watermelon placed on top of a podium. The whole scenario was that Sam was an assassin and the watermelon represented the protectee. The recruits were lined up to watch the simulation and learn.

"Okay, listen up." Sam told the recruits, loading the gun cartridge with bullets. "My goal is to assassinate that watermelon. Your job is to take the bullet. Rigby, you're up!" Before the unprepared racoon could respond, Sam yelled, "Go!"

Rigby got on all fours and sprinted towards the podium, panting as he did and the encouraging cheers of his peers egging him on.

"Go, go, go! Pow!"

Rigby leaped up into the air and dove in front of the cross-hairs, droning the most unconvincing, unemotional, "Noooooooo..." He fell face-first on the ground with a thud. He looked up to see Sam standing over him and spat the grass of out his mouth and said, "So how'd I do?"

Well, your dive wasn't bad, but I just didn't believe your…" Sam threw his arms in the air yelled a much more convincing, _"Noooooooo!"_ His voice then cracked up and he took a swig from a hip flask to clear it. "You gotta sell it, boy! Remember, your "Noooooooo!" is what gets you your next job."

"But I can't just force it." Rigby reasoned, getting back up. "I need to be emotionally prepared."

Sam scoffed, "Emotionally prepared, huh? Okay, wise ass, try this one on for size." He pulled Rigby by the collar right into his face and barked, "You're a pimple on the ass of society and no one ever loved you! Not even ya own mother!"

"I can live with that."

Mordeci then had an idea and called over to Rigby, "Hey, Dude! Guess what I just heard? "Futurama"'s been cancelled _again!"_

"_**NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"**_

"Better!" Sam smirked.

* * *

So the two weeks passed, one torturous day at a time. There were hard times and good times…but mostly bad. No, scratch that, it was almost always bad! But the recruits got through it, some of them though with a missing limb or two. It all boiled down to the final practical exam that took place on the last day; and to put it bluntly, they all sucked donkey balls.

In the "Berating Room", a large, spacious room that looked somewhat like a gymnasium, Sam was doing just that to his recruits. They all stood in a line as always as he stormed up and down, but this time the whole room and their white shirts were completely splattered with watermelon chunks and juice.

"You ladies are without a doubt THE most sorrowful clique at the dance! Not one of you is fit to guard a Mexican rock band!" The recruits lowered their heads in shame, believing they had totally fucked up, until Sam spoke up again with a smile, "However, your checks have cleared, so you all graduate. Congratulations."

The now graduates looked at each for a moment before, very strangely enough, they all simultaneously broke out in a series of waving their fists in the air and going, "OHHHHHHHH"'s.

"And now, in honour of your achievement, here is the theme song from the hit motion picture, "The Bodyguard"." Sam whipped out a microphone from out of nowhere and started singing. Badly. _"And I ... E-I ... E-I ... will always love you..."_

Cringing, the students awkwardly snuck out as Sam finished singing, tossing off his hat.

"_Ooooh, wee-hah!_

* * *

The next day, Mordeci and Rigby arrived at their favourite café in Gotham, the one where Margret and her friend, an anthromorphic mole named Eileen worked. They had just come back from swearing their oath of loyalty to the Mayor, and decided to drop by the café to chat with their friends, and mostly gloat.

"Two lattes, please."

Margret, who was working her shift behind the counter, turned around to face the customer. "Okay, will that be for in or to-" She stopped in midsentence. "Mordeci? Rigby?"

It was indeed the daring duo, except they looked different. They were wearing black suits and sunglasses, as well as walkie-talkies attached to the latter.

"Hello…Margret." Mordeci answered in his smoothest voice possible, tipping down his shades to look at her, though this was clearly just for showing off. "And yeah, we'll have those to go."

Eileen came up behind the counter and adjusted her glasses. "What are you guys wearing?"

"These are our official bodyguard gear, you know, for when we're on duty guarding the mayor." Rigby said smugly, opening his suit jacket to reveal an assortment of gear, from mace to a handgun and holster.

Mordeci readjusted his shades. "Yeah, we're starting tomorrow."

"We just got these suits today, after we did that oath thing." Rigby rested his hand on the counter, making himself look like a big shot. "They paid a pretty penny, one straight from the tax payer's money."

"Oh wow…nice to see our tax dollars at work." A guy remarked sarcastically from a small but growing crowd gathering around the two new bodyguards. "Freaking fantastic!"

Rigby banged his fist against the counter and spun around at the crowd, yelling, "Who said that? Who the FUCK said that?" No one answered. He reached into his suit jacket and pulled his gun out of the holster. "Alright, if no one owns up, you're all entering a world of pain!"

"Uh, dude…" Mordeci tried to speak up.

"A-world-of pain!" Rigby spelt out angrily, now aiming the gun at the crowd. When again, no one said a word and just looked at each other worriedly, Rigby now became seriously pissed off. "Has the whole world gone FUCKING CRAZY? AM I THE ONLY ONE HERE WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT MANNERS AND ETIQUETTE? NOW SOMEONE STEP FORWARD BEFORE I START FIRING!"

"Dude, put the piece away…"

"STEP FORWARD!"

Finally, a man step forward from the crowd, after being pushed by one of the crowd. He went by the name Lenny Leonard. He said nervously, with his arms held up, "Uh…I did." It was hard to know if it really was Lenny who made the remark, as it easily could have been someone else and he was just nudged for someone to take the blame.

"SAY SORRY!" Rigby ordered him, but Lenny was so scared by a freaking GUN to his face that he could not summon the courage to do so. "YOU THINK I'M FUCKING AROUND?" He cocked the gun and aimed it between Lenny's eyes. "APOLOGISE! RIGHT! NOW!"

"Okay, I'm sorry!"

Rigby put his "piece" away and hummed in his and Mordeci's trademark fashion, before telling him, "Alright, apology accepted. Now move along."

As the crowd slowly and uneasily dispersed, Mordeci and Rigby turned their attention back to Margret and Eileen, and picked up their freshly brewed lattes.

"Gotta make the people know who's in charge. Make them realise their place, you know what I'm saying?" Rigby took his Latte and sipped it.

"Are you guys even authorised to use those?" Margret asked, referring to the guns and still shocked from what she had just witnessed.

"Sure we are." Mordeci whipped out a card and placed it on the counter, and Rigby followed in suit. They were their official NRA membership years. "We've been members of the NRA for the last ten years. We're allowed to handle any kind of firearm."

Margret crossed her wings unimpressed and said, "Well, I don't think you guys are all that responsible if you're just gonna wave your guns around like you just did."

"Aw, come on, Margret, we're responsible and – BAM!" Mordeci spun around at a small child called Mac and pulled out and pointed his own gun at him, making him scream in terror. The blue jay laughed and got down on his knee and ruffled Mac's hair. "Ah, just kidding ya, youngster. You know sometimes in life, ya gonna meet – BAM!" He turned around and pointing his gun in Coraline Jones' face, who screamed and ran behind her mother Mel. "Oh, two in a row! I got you, kid!"

"Get outta here!" the manager, who appeared behind the counter, yelled angrily, pointing at the two. "Both of you. You're freaking out the customers!"

"Make us." Rigby said in defiance.

* * *

Faster than they could say, "Kicked out of the café", the two were literally booted out of the café and onto to pavement. The two sat up, rubbing their aching heads.

"Aww man, we didn't even get to show them our new sleeper hold – ugh, uhhhhh…" Rigby did not get to finish his sentence, before a smirking Mordeci pinched him on the shoulder, sending him onto the pavement, unconscious.

Mordeci then looked at his wrist watch. "Hmm, still half an hour 'til my show's on. Oh, well." He then administered the same move on his own arm. He fell to the pavement, hitting his head on the edge on the way down, yelling in pain.

* * *

**(a/n) Please do Read and Review. (p.s.) I'm pretty sure that a swear of loyalty isn't mandatory for a bodyguard being assigned to a protectee, it was just something I added myself.**


	3. Chapter Three

**(A/N) Okay, here's the third chapter. This one is considerably longer than the last two, but I've done that to make up for the fact that I'm going to be gone for a week, starting Wednesday. I'll be back either Sunday or Monday. Just wanted to let you know.**

**Also, on another note, I've decided to declare this fanmake the first of a possible series of fanmakes of episodes of several series, the main thing tying them together being that they are all set in Gotham.**

* * *

******Gotham Chronicles  
Mayored to the Mafia**

**Chapter Three**

The next day, Mordeci and Rigby began their first day at their new job. They were welcomed into City Hall and met up with the Mayor, who quickly handed them their very first task; stand outside his office by the door and check anyone coming in. Not a really glamorous or action-packed start to their careers, but at least they had plenty of time to practice their staring contest skills.

A couple of hours later, the two were to drive Mayor Daffy through the city to the opening ceremony of what he referred to as "a piece of chicken shit megamall". Mordeci sat in the driver's seat of the Mayor's limousine, whilst Rigby sat in the back with Daffy, facing opposite him.

"It's a real honour to be guarding your body, sir." Rigby said, pulling up one leg over the other.

Daffy leaned back in his chair and told them both sternly, "Yeah, well, you guys just remember that you both represent the office of the Mayor. So always comport yourselves in a manner befitting..." Something outside the partially lowered window next to him caught his eye. "Quick! Honk at that broad!"

The limousine was passing by a raven-haired woman with an abnormally large ass named Violet Parr, who was walking down the sidewalk. Mordeci beeped the horn twice at her, while Mayor Daffy whistled at her, making her spin her head around and gasp and cover her as with her hands. When they passed, the humiliated Violet quivered her lip, pulled her indigo sweater over her backside and ran off, wailing and tears cascading down her face.

"Good work, Mordeci. I couldn't be happier with the way that went."

* * *

After the megamall opening, Mayor Daffy had Mordeci and Rigby escort him to the Mos Eisley District of Gotham, a wretched hive of scum and villainy and the main hub of Gotham's large alien minority population. There, they entered the famed Mos Eisley Cantina, a popular drinking and dining establishment, though its hygiene standards were more often than not subpar and it would not be a surprise to find seedy characters there.

As the bodyguards opened the door and signalled for the Mayor to come in, the grizzly bartender named Wuher recognised the two and was visibly not pleased to see them.

Wuher angrily barked at them over the bar, "Hey, Mordeci, Rigby, what'd I tell you last time? You're not welcome here no more 'til you paid your tabs, or at least cleaned up that mess Rigby made in the bathroom and…" He saw Mayor Daffy stroll into the cantina and changed his tone immediately. "Mayor Duck? G-guys, why didn't you say you was with the mayor?" Wuher took out a pistol and fired it into the ceiling right above the regulars sitting by the bar, scaring them off. "Fuck off, shitholes! Get outta here! These stools are reserved for the mayor and his cronies."

The trio sat down on the now free stools in front of the bar and Wuher brought out a few bottles of vodka for them, all on the house, of course.

Mordeci inspected the bottle and gaped, "Whoooa! Imported straight from Russia!" He took a swig. "Keep 'em comin'." Wuher sighed and set a case of the same vodka on the bar counter.

"Your generosity is greatly appreciated, Wuher…" Daffy said sly, and gave him a wink. "…especially during this health inspection season."

The bartender understood and nodded, "Yeah, yeah, right, health inspections, that reminds me." He took out and slapped down a thick wad of monetary bills. "Here, your "change", sir." It began to move on the counter due to the dozens of cockroaches underneath it. Wuher pounded down the wad, crushing them. "We're working on that roach situation, I swear to God."

"Feh, you should see the hospital." Daffy took the wad and shoved it into his inner breast pocket. "Be sure to send my regards to Chalmun. Alright, boys, let's move out."

The "customers" left the tavern at that point, Mordeci and Rigby groaningly lifting the vodka create together out the door.

* * *

After work, Mordeci and Rigby dropped by their favourite café again (this time having to deposit their "pieces" behind the counter or be thrown out again) to regale the patrons with stories of their first day.

"And after Mos Eisely, we went to the city's largest McDonalds, and the mayor got some more change, and I ordered a large diet coke, but they gave me an extra-extra-extra-large diet coke with a shot of whisky." Rigby bragged to their small, but interested audience, whilst Mordeci was having himself a latte. "And then the mayor was given lots of change for-"

"Don't you idiots see what's going on?" Benson interrupted them irritably, stepping out from the other patrons.

"The Mayor was taking bribes!" Margret said from behind the counter with Eileen.

Mordeci replied, trying to reason with the muttering café patrons, "Well, yeah, maybe, but think about it; that's how the world works. I mean, sure, okay, the Mayor takes some bribes, but he also makes the trains run on time."

An annoying and cross voice spoke up from below, making Mordeci and Rigby nearly jump. "No he doesn't." It was Mac, the square headed boy from yesterday. "Trains are regulated by the Federal Department of Transportation and-"

"BAM!" Both Mordeci and Rigby whipped out handguns from their suit jacket sleeves and pointed them in Mac's face, making him scream.

"HA! Dead kid! Mom's crying as she takes your crayon drawings off the fridge!" Rigby cackled, pulling his gun away and pointing in Mac's face teasingly. "Hahahahahaha!"

The manager came up behind them and yelled, his face turning red, "What did I tell you two when you came in here? WHAT DID I TELL YOU?"

"Hey, we handed our pieces in. You're the one who failed to say ALL of them…"

The blue jay and racoon were promptly tossed out the café again, following yesterday's events almost like a circuit. Rigby looked over his shoulder and shouted, "I believe we had guns, my fine gentlemen!" Their "pieces" were tossed out the door and hit them on the back of their heads.

* * *

Things went smoothly the following three weeks for the bodyguards. Along with the increased salary, they experienced all the perks and benefits of their positions, including free dinners at the best restaurants, free tickets to the cinema and legal access to the "underground businesses" of the city.

Yeah, Mordeci and Rigby became big shots. They had it all. However, as you would expect, this was not to last. Everything started going south upon their first visit to the "Legitimate Businessman's Social Club", in northeast Gotham…

The winter season was settling in by this time; the temperature plummeting and flurries of snow taking place every week. In northeast Gotham, the "Legitimate Businessman's Social Club" was located in a filthy street, down a flight of stairs below a grimy looking building.

The inside of the "club" was dark and looked like a saloon, complete with leather furniture, stain glass windows, pool tables and a bar. Mayor Daffy was there working out a somewhat-less-than-legitimate business deal with the man sitting opposite him at his table.

Daffy's business partner was a portly gentlemanly figure who had thinning black hair and he wore a tuxedo, top hat, monocle, white gloves and spats. He also had a black umbrella which he laid down on the table. His most notable characteristic however, was his large pointed nose, resembling that of a beak, from which and his mouth an unidentified thick, dark green bile-like liquid sometimes trickled. This was Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot, wealthy restaurateur and infamous mobster, or as he was better known as, "The Penguin".

Penguin took the large cigar he was smoking and extinguished it in the ashtray, and said to the Mayor, smoke blowing out through his teeth, "Thank you, Mayor Duck, for honouring us with this city milk concession."

"Well, Gotham needs its milk, and I need my…" he put his wing to his beak and coughed.

"Please accept this kickback as a token of our esteem." Penguin heaved up a large sack with a big dollar sign on the front.

Daffy then took out an open briefcase from under the table and started moving the wads of cash from the sack into it. "Thanks, Ozzie. But, uh, next time…could ya just use briefcase instead of the sack with a dollar sign on it? Just saying, it's kinda incriminatory."

Back with Mordeci and Rigby, they were standing off to the side by the bar with Penguin's henchmen, having themselves a drink. One was a Rodian in a brown and green-sleeved jacket named Greedo. The other a tall, chiselled and menacing human male dressed in dark blue denim and a red shirt and had a Beatle's style bowl haircut.

There was a total absence of conversation between the four, mostly because of how intimidated Mordeci and Rigby were by the tall man. The blue jay nudged the racoon on the shoulder, prompting him to say something, and he gulped and said uneasily, "So, uh…what's your name…buddy?"

The tall man, who was slowly eating some peanuts, told him a deep, low tone, "What business is it of yours what my name is…friendo?"

"Well, uh, just, you know…trying to make small talk. That's all."

He set the empty peanut wrapper on the counter and it unravelled slowly, making the loudest sound in the otherwise silent room. "What's the most you ever lost on a coin toss?" He asked simply.

"Huh?"

"The most. You've ever lost. In a coin toss."

Rigby now looked visibly terrified and said quickly, dusting himself down, "W-w-well, you know what? I've think I gotta go use the bathroom. Be right back." He got on all fours and dashed off.

"Uh, me too." Mordeci said quickly and ran right after his friend. "Wait up, Dude."

The two turned a corner in the room, leading them into a short corridor in which there were two doors. One on the side was the door to the restroom, and the other at the far end had a sign on it that read "Milking Room". Mordeci and Rigby put their hands on their knees, catching their breath and Mordeci peered over the corner to check just in case they were being followed.

"The fuck's up with that guy?" Rigby asked his friend, still creeped out by his experience a minute ago.

"I dunno, Dude. But at least we're away from him and-" Something caught his attention and he stopped talking to look over at the far end door. "Huh? That's weird."

"What's weird?"

Mordeci pointed at the odd door, saying, "It's the sign on that door. It doesn't make much sense."

Rigby looked at the door for a moment and turned back to Mordeci and talked to him as if he were talking to a complete idiot, "Oh, gee, Mordeci, maybe it's a room where they milk-cows. You know, cows, the animals we drink milk from?"

He slugged him hard on the arm and snapped, "Not that, you idiot! Think about it; people milk cows in rural areas, normally large-scale, private farms. Who milks 'em in industrial urban buildings?"

"Hmmm," Rigby rubbed his chin. "Good point. Maybe we should check it out."

Both took out their guns, due to their training dictating that they "must be prepared for anything", and Mordeci turned the handle and pushed the door open. Walking inside, they expected to see a room full of cows, but what they found instead was enough to make them drop their "pieces" in shock.

Rigby threw his hands to his head and screamed, **"HOLY BLACK ON A POPO!"**

Penguins. Hundreds of them were in the room, squawking and tired down on shelves. Each one was attached to a system of hoses that were sucking the milk out from their teats, draining it into a series of large metal buckets, the largest being labelled, "Gotham Elementary".

"AAAGGGHHH!"

They spun on their heels and ran hysterically out of the room, and out the building up the stairs, Mordeci screaming as they did, "They're milking penguins! **MILKING PENGUINS!"**

Daffy watched them run out and slapped his own face with his wing. "Ugh! Uuugh! Penguins? Ozzie, ya promised me dog or higher."

"What's the big deal? Milk's milk, isn't it?"

"…good point." Daffy immediately went back to placing more money into his briefcase.

* * *

"Penguins?"

Mordeci and Rigby sat dejectedly on the park house's living room couch with their heads in their hands and their horror-stricken friends standing around them (they had been banned from their favourite café after the last incident…for a month, mostly because their presence and stories brought in more customers). They had just told them what they had seen back at the "Legitimate Businessman's Social Club", and were trying to get over the sight themselves.

"Yeah," Mordeci answered Benson's obviously rhetorical question. "I feel like total garbage! I've helped protect a man whose been feeding a flightless bird's milk to school children!" He buried his face in his wings ashamed.

Rigby nodded and replied, crossing his arms, "Yeah, you really are garbage!" This resulted in him getting punched not only by Mordeci, but Margret and then Benson. He rubbed his aching arms and whimpered pathetically, "Okay, okay! I feel like garbage, too."

"Well, what do you guys honestly expect?" Skips, who was sitting down in a recliner and drinking a cola, said with a shrug. "Daffy Duck's the most corrupt public official in the state's history. He's right up there with Nixon and Kennedy."

"Look, we gotta do something about this." Benson told everyone in the room. There was no way they could just sit back and let this atrocity slide.

"We could contact the local media about the scandal." Pops offered and motioned to the house phone attached to the phone.

"Sounds like a good idea to me. Maybe this'll finally be the one that gets that shit bird kicked out of office!"

Rigby jumped off the couch in panic and told Pops, who was just about to dial the number of the phone, "Wait, stop! You guys can't do that!"

"Why not?"

"I can't lose this job, especially all the perks. Without it, I'll just be a nobody!"

Mordeci slugged his friend on the arm again. "Dude! Don't be so selfish!"

"But Dude, maybe there's a why we can solve this without getting Daffy kicked out."

"Pfft. Like what?" He asked, doubtfully.

The racoon looked a loss for any words for a moment and continued to mumble until her came up with something. "W-well how about this: we go up to Daffy's officer and we, uh…MAKE him change his mind!" He finished, punching his fist into his palm with a now more confident expression.

"Hmmm, that might work." Skips stated, getting up from the recliner. "I mean, you guys do have access to Daffy at all times. You guys could use…" He pounded his fist into his palm like Rigby. "'Aggressive negotiations.' Also, a major political scandal is one of the last things Gotham needs right now, what with crime rates record high."

After taking a moment to think and tap his beak, Mordeci concluded, "Okay, we'll give it a shot."

Benson warned them, however, "But if it doesn't work, then we contact the media, got it?"

"Got it. Pops, go get me my switchblade," Rigby told Pops, who rushed upstairs to the duo's room. He then cracked his knuckles, saying as if he were in an action film, "It's time we saw a duck about some penguins."

* * *

Later, at City Hall, Mordeci and Rigby burst in on Mayor Daffy's office, their eyes ablaze and their fists balled, ready for a serious beat down of a certain duck. Daffy himself was on his personal treadmill and dressed in a tracksuit, getting some exercise.

"Oh, hey guys, what's up?" He asked nonchalantly, not even looking at them.

"You **BASTARD!"**Mordeci roared furiously as she and Rigby stomped into the room, "How could you betray the public like this?"

"Those wacky gangsters," Daffy shrugged, obviously not giving a damn. "What're you gonna do?"

Rigby leaped onto the control panel of the treadmill and proceeded to bang on it in his rage. "And to think we respected you! And defended you! You wouldn't even be alive if it wasn't for us!" He banged the panel a third time, increasing the speed of the machine inadvertently.

The treadmill started going too fast for the Mayor to keep up. He tried to grab a hold of the panel, but it was too late and Daffy was sent flying out the window, screaming in terror.

The two bodyguards watched the scene wide-eyed and mouths agape, standing completely frozen like statues. Rigby shouted out the window, "Okay! We'll call it even!"

"Dude…" Mordeci barely managed to choke out. "I think you just killed the Mayor."

Feeling his heart-rate soar and sweat bulleting down his face, Rigby began to pace up and down the room. "Okay…okay, okay, okay…I know what to do. Dude, you can down and get the body before anyone else finds it, and I'll go get a bathtub and a shit load of lime! And-"

Suddenly, the bodyguards heard an obnoxious voice yell for help from outside the window. They looked out to see the Mayor hanging from the ledge for his life, a few stories up from the ground.

"His corpse is climbing the building!" Rigby gasped, only to be punched by Mordeci.

"I'm alive, you idiots!" Daffy yelled up at them. "Pull me in!"

Mordeci reached down and grabbed Daffy's arm and was about to pull him up before an idea came to mind. "Wait a second…I'm not saving you unless you promise to get that penguin's milk out of Gotham."

"I can't do that, Mordeci. The gangsters will be butcher me alive!"

"You're forgetting something; you've got the best bodyguards in the business." Rigby reminded him.

"Yeah. Now promise or I'll let you fall to your death!" Mordeci warned, narrowing his eyes letting his grip go dangerously loose.

Daffy looked down at the fall. It was just high enough to turn him into a black duck pancake. "All right, all right, I promise on my mother's grave!"

The duo looked each other, hummed and nodded in silent agreement. Rigby grabbed onto Daffy's hand with Mordeci and the latter told the Mayor, "Alright then. Now come on, we'll pull you up."

"On...wait, wait, wait, not so fast. I can see into the women's restroom from here." Daffy peered into the open window from which he was directly facing. He was surprised to see a familiar face; Violet Parr was washing her hands in the sink when she saw Daffy hanging out the window and gasped and jumped in shock. "Hey, you're the wide-ride broad from nearly a month ago!"

Violet scowled and stormed up to the window and furiously slapped Daffy's beak. Her lip quivered again like before and she burst into tears and sprinted out the restroom door, covering her large rump with her hands.

"Sheesh, talk about your self-esteem issues. All right, pull me up."

* * *

**(A/N) Okay, so that's that chapter. I'll see you whenever I get the chance to update again, though like I said, that may take over a week.**

**P.s. I know Violet Parr does not have a butt that huge, but it's going to be part of her secondary character in this series. She's gonna have a series of varying physical "impairments" in each one, which adds to her already low self-esteem. You'll see as it goes on.**


	4. Chapter Four

**(A/N) Okay, I'm back from Wales and here's the fourth chapter. Sorry, this is going to be quite a short chapter, but it at least leads us to the cataclysmic conclusion. So enjoy.**

* * *

**Gotham Chronicles**

**Mayored to the Mafia**

**Chapter Four**

Meanwhile, back at the "Legitimate Businessman's Social Club", the Penguin was right in the middle of a game of poker with Greedo and the tall, menacing goon with the Beatles haircut. They were celebrating the success of their latest "legitimate" business deal, which was guaranteed to make them a mint.

"Six queens." Greedo boasted, setting his ridiculous hand of cards against the table. "Read 'em and weep."

"Not so fast." Penguin laid down his own cards. "Seven queens."

BAM! Suddenly, the door of the club was kicked open, breaking the lock and a swarm of armed, uniformed men came stormed into the room. These were the fine men and women of the Gotham City Police Department, or GCPD. All of them whipped out their handguns on the three criminals, who all slowly sat up from their seats in shock, as well as slowly raising their hands in the air.

The Commissioner of the GCPD, an anthromorphic green gecko named Rango, stepped forward with handgun cocked and yelling, "Freeze, goombahs! We're shuttin' your operation down, so you better sit your five dollar asses down before I make change!"

Penguin pulled his collar and wiped the sweat from his forehead and said nervously, "Gentlemen, gentlemen. If you would simply consult my dear friend Mayor Duck, I am confident this can be..."

Just then, Mayor Daffy, accompanied by Mordeci and Rigby and some cameramen and photographers, burst into the room, looking all high and mighty. He stated in a faux-indignant tone, striking a pose, "Not this time, Penguin! The Mayor's office is not for sale, so kiss my grits, ya cheap dime store hood!

Everyone in the room laughed at that. Daffy looked over to one of the cameramen and whispered to him if he could edit out the laughter, but the man shook his head 'no'.

Realising his betrayal, Penguin furiously swept a bottle of alcohol of the table, sending it smashing on the floor. He roared, "Aarrgghh! Duck, you backstabbing sonofabitch!"

"Ooooh, the Mobster guy's all mad!" Rigby got all up in Penguin's and laughed derisively, "Oh, what are you gonna do, call your Godfather? Huh? Oh, Godfather-" He continued to make whimpering noises, until Mordeci swatted him over the head to shut him up.

"Break it down, boys." Mordeci pointed down the corridor where the "milking" room was located.

Several police offers charged down the corridor and smashed open the door with their shoulders, revealing the shelves and shelves of the squawking lactating birds. Rango removed one and licked it, disgusting everyone else there.

"It's pure," he concluded, "Pull the plug, men."

The officers did as they were instructed and started smashing milk bottles, overturning milk jugs, and squashing milk cartons. Daffy went back to lift up a garage door, letting the penguins waddle out by the hundreds onto the Gotham streets, causing mass chaos with traffic and sending terrified citizens running in fear.

"Run free, flightless vermin! The city is yours!"

* * *

Later that night, back at the park house, Mordeci and Rigby and the gang were sitting down at the couch, watching the evening news broadcast. As you would imagine, the penguin milk scandal dominated the headlines and Mayor Daffy came out saving face. They were watching famous news reporter Chet Ubetcha delivering his coverage of the story.

* * *

_On the television, the police were dumping the contents of one of the large tanks into the sewer grate, drawing the attention of some alley cats._

"_And so, as the Penguin's milk is dumbed into to the sewers, the circle of life is complete." Chest narrated as this happened and behind him, Penguin, his wrists in shackles, was being hauled towards the open police van by a couple of cops. "Mr Cobblepot, do you have any comments?" He asked Penguin, pointing the microphone to him._

_Penguin shrugged and said, sounding more confused than he was angry, "I don't get it. Everyone loves cute and cuddly penguins, but they don't want to drink their milk?"_

"_Any words for the mayor? You know the one who's pretty much guaranteed you at least twenty years in prison." _

_He took the microphone and kicked Chet away, and spoke menacingly into the microphone, looking into the camera, "Hello, Mayor Dickcheese. I would like to remind you that accidents will happen…" Penguin narrowed his eyes and pointed his thumb to himself. "…like the brutal and ungodly murder of you, by us."_

* * *

"Well, that's the end of that," Rigby clapped his hands and put them behind his head. "Penguin's locked up and we get to keep our jobs. All in all, a successful day."

"You realise Penguin's just sworn revenge, right?" Benson asked dryly.

"So?"

"The Penguin's got thousands of assets in the criminal underworld," Skips explained from his recliner. "Best guess is that he's gonna hire a hit man to take the mayor out."

"Daffy won't have anything to worry about, as long as he's with us," Mordeci dismissed as he and Rigby got up from the couch. "Speaking of which, we're on duty tonight."

"Those mobsters don't scare us." Rigby said smugly and they put on their black jackets and sunglasses. "Any asshole tries to come within five feet of the mayor, I'll take my gun, stick it up his and pull the trigger 'til it goes click."

"…Jesus," was all Benson could say.

"You said it, home boy," Mordeci opened the door and they walked out, Rigby making a peace sign on his way out.

* * *

Later, at the mayor's grand mansion, Rigby rang the doorbell, which played the theme to "_The A-Team"._ Mayor Daffy himself answered, looking dishevelled with sunken eyes and smoking what had to be his millionth cigarette.

"Hey guys, I'm not, uh, sure it's wise to go out right now," Daffy pulled on his unbuttoned collar. "I was thinking of a quiet evening here with a bottle of Jack, you know?"

"Oh, I get it; you're worried about Penguin's goons, aren't ya?"

"What do YOU think, shit bird?"

Rigby put his arm around Daffy's shoulder and pulled him in. "Daff, Daff, Daff, there's nothing to worry about. Best bodyguards in the business, remember?" He patted Daffy on the lapels and told him, "Now you gotta snap out of this funk. So Mordeci and I talked it over and we're gonna take you someplace where you can relax and forget all about gangsters. I chose the place myself."

"Where's that?"

* * *

Obviously not knowing a thing about the world of theatre, the location Rigby picked was a Gotham City Dinner Theatre showing of the famous, "Guys and Dolls".

Entering the glass doors, the trio walked down the red carpet through the red decorated reception. While there, Mordeci tapped the usher, who was facing the other way, on the shoulder.

"Uh, excuse me."

The usher, an anthromorphic grey squid named Squidward, turned around to look at them with a glazed look in his eyes. "Yes, my good gentlemen, how might I be of service?" He asked them in an equally dry and uninterested voice.

"We've got a table booked for the mayor."

Squidward flicked through the pages of the reservations book a few times, before looking back to the group. "Yes, indeed you do. If you would follow me, please."

As they followed Squidward to their table, little did either bodyguard notice a shady-looking character was sitting down at one of the reception armchairs near the bar. He was holding up a newspaper and wearing a black hat, scarf and coat to better conceal his identity. He lowered and peered over the paper at the passing group.

The mystery man looked down at the com-link attached to his lapel and spoke into it quietly, "Gentlemen, this is Shadow Man. Hunting Season has arrived. I repeat, Hunting Season has arrived."

* * *

**(A/N) Please do read and review. I promise, the next chapter will be longer and much better, mostly since it is the last one. So stay tuned for the finale.**


	5. Chapter Five

**(A/N) Okay, here's the final chapter, the epic conclusion to this fanmake. Enjoy.**

* * *

**Gotham Chronicles**

**Mayored to the Mafia**

**Chapter Five**

Led into the theatre, Mordecai and Rigby escorted Mayor Daffy to his table and as Mordecai sat there with him, Rigby walked silently through the dark theatre. His job was to scan the perimeter, more specifically the patrons, searching for any indication of trouble.

The collective patrons of the dinner theatre ranged from the honest citizen enjoying a night out to the shadiest scum in the city. He spotted characters such as Bad Bill the Gila monster, Homer Simpson getting into a fight with a waiter much to the embarrassment of his family, and even a young anthromorphic cactus mouse sitting by herself at a table. So far, nothing worthy of any concern and was about to turn back to the table when he saw something on the wall.

It was a couple of framed photo headshots hanging from the wall under the sign 'Tonight'. One was of the actor Daniel Radcliff and the other of a juicy well-cooked stake. They read underneath, 'Daniel Radcliff is Nathan Detroit' and 'Pepper stake is the Entrée'.

"Wow…that looks like some damn good pepper stake. I'm getting that."

* * *

Meanwhile, back at the table, a waiter delivered Daffy his dinner, including a large pepper steak and au gratin potatoes, and poured Mordecai a tall drink of cider.

Daffy picked up his knife and fork and licked his lips, saying, "Ah, au gratin potatoes. Now that's a quality side." Mordecai lifted his glass in agreement and took a drink.

As the mayor was about to take a bite from the potatoes, Rigby happened to be looking over at the scene at the time. At first, he thought nothing of it, but something then hit him. In his gruelling two weeks of training, Yosemite Sam continued to pound into him the threat of poisoned food during lessons on assassination methods, that it sort of became a Pavlov situation for the racoon.

Panicking, Rigby got on all fours and sprinted over to the mayor, then leapt through the air over the table, screaming an over-the-top, "Nooooooo!" Just in time, he the potatoes clean off Daffy's fork. Landed on the floor and chewing them, he declared, "Hmm, potatoes are clean. The poison must be in the stake!" He snatched away Daffy's utensils and began eating some of the stake, having himself a bit more than necessary, until Mordecai irritably grabbed and hauled him away from the table.

"What are you doing, you idiot?" He hissed when they were a few feet away.

"I was just checking if there was any poison."

"Yeah, well, you checked. Now let's leave the Mayor be for five minutes." Mordecai said as they walked off towards the bar. "Besides, that punk waiter forgot to give me my peanuts."

* * *

Soon enough, the show began and the cast performed the first of many, MANY bad musical numbers. They were singing _"Guys and Dolls"_ to the tune of _"Hooray for Hollywood"._

"_**Guys and dolls! We're just a bunch of crazy guys and dolls! **_

_**Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, guys and dolls..."**_

Meanwhile, backstage, the "star" of that night's production, Daniel Radcliff, who was again dressed as Harry freaking Potter, was having a talk with one of the show's "producers". Oddly enough, said "producer" was wearing a cook's outfit.

"This is a conceptual nightmare! I mean, Nathan Detroit would never wear this," Daniel complained incredulously, tugging at his Hogwarts robes. He then pointed behind himself at current musical number. "And this song isn't even in the show!"

"I don't have time for this. I got seventy-five shortcakes to strawberry. Now get out there, _Potter!"_

Daniel sighed heavily, struggled to put on a fake smile and then walked out on stage to join in the singing of the "Guys and Dolls" song, swinging his wand leisurely about, the other singers backing him up. Poor bloke was really struggling now he was post-Harry Potter. Tsk, tsk…

* * *

Back at the table, the bodyguards had re-joined the mayor, and were all enjoying the show a bit more than any person of average intelligence should. However, this led to the fatal flaw of not noticing one of the patrons leaving their table and heading to the stage behind the curtains.

The cactus mouse girl, who wore a white and black dress and a large black hat and her hair done up in two braids, was carrying a black briefcase as she climbed the steps backstage. She set it down, opened it up a bit and peered inside. Two loaded pistols were tucked away in foam moulds. She took them out, checked each cartridge and tucked them away in her large hat.

She took a walkie talkie from the case, dialled a number and spoke into it in an adorable southern accent, "Agent G, this is Priscilla. I am ready to commence operation: shit through a goose. I request your permission to proceed. Over."

"Rodger Priscilla, this is Agent G. You have full permission to proceed when ready. Over."

"Rodger that, Agent G. Over."

As she put the walkie talkie away and locked the briefcase, the producer who Daniel was talking with prior came up to her, asking her sternly, "Uh, can I help you, kid?"

The cactus mouse known as Priscilla put her hands together and answered, "I'm one of the dancers. I'm in the number after this."

"Oh…well, alright then. You're just in time. It's just about to start."

* * *

Meanwhile, on stage, Radcliff, now wearing a top hat with his already ridiculous costume, was performing yet another butchered number, the one which Priscilla was talking about.

"_**Harry, be a Wizard tonight! Just be a Wizard tonight!"**_

He was then backed by the chorus, _**"Do it for Dobby, while we all go to the lobby."**_

"_**Uh, and do it for Hegwig and the Thestrals, and all the other CGI bullshit..."**_

"_**Harry, be a Wizard tonight!"**_

All of a sudden, the spotlight turned on and Priscilla came dancing onto the stage, shoving Daniel aside and hogging the light for herself. At first, she came off as doing ballet, but within the blink of an eye, she changed style immediately to break dancing to trashy techno music.

"Whoa! That kid up there sure can dance, huh?" Mordecai asked in awe to Rigby and Daffy.

"Heeey, isn't she the kid I saw at a table, earlier?" Rigby narrowed his eyes both confused and suspicious. "In fact, what would a young kid be doing in a dinner theatre all by herself? Don't make any sense."

"Ssshh! Quiet, you two." Daffy whispered to them. "This is the best part."

Finishing her act, Priscilla did a knee slide to centre stage, earning herself wild applause from the audience. Yet Daniel Radcliff was not laughing or cheering. This was his show. He was the star here. And now he was being upstaged by what had to be a nine-year-old girl. He took her aside.

"Hey, kid." He warned her angrily. "That's my headshot up there next to the pepper steak, and don't you forget it."

Priscilla simply scoffed and flicked her braid, "Pfft! You're all talk, Radcliff! You never even finished wizard school!" Immediately, she whipped her pistol out from under her hat, cocked it and fired it in Radcliff's face.

The actor screamed and covered his face as she stumbled back into a Barbershop backdrop, causing it to collapse on him and the glass to break. Jumping onto the mayor's table, Priscilla pulled out both pistols and shouted to the shocked mayor, aiming the pistols at his face, "Show's over, Mayor!"

"Look out!" Rigby slid on the table in between Priscilla's legs and pushed the mayor away. He spun and kicked her arms way when she took her first shots. "Mordecai, protect the mayor!" As Mordecai tackled Daffy and kept him under the table to protect him, Priscilla and Rigby fought each other and their struggle sent them off the table and rolling across the floor, making her loose one of the pistols.

The two were quickly caught in a life and death lock with the racoon grabbing the mouse's wrists and she continued to fire at random.

"Gimme that gun!"

"No, it's mine!" She was turning her wrist and the firing end of her pistol dangerous close to Rigby's face.

Crawling out from the wreckage of the backdrop, a bleeding and broken Daniel Radcliff forced himself down the stage to edge. Priscilla merely winged his head, causing blood to trail down to his shoulder. When he reached the edge, he shouted some advice over to Rigby.

"Rigby! Use the for-"

"The Force?"

"No, you buffoon! The fork! Use the fork!"

"Oh."

Rigby looked to his left and, releasing his grip on Priscilla's wrists, picked up a sharp silver fork and pointed it menacingly in her face. "Ah-ha!" What followed was a short moment of silence, before an unimpressed Priscilla slapped the fork away and punched Rigby in the face, knocking him back.

"Oh well, he tried." Daniel shrugged and lowered his exhausted head over the stage edge.

Priscilla got up on her feet and pointed her pistol menacingly in Rigby's face, asking him lowly as she pulled back the hammer, "Any last words, weasel face?"

_CRACK!_

Her face froze with a stunned expression and stood in place for a moment before collapsing to the floor, semi-unconscious and groaning. Rigby looked up to see Mordecai standing there, holding a now broken chair.

"Yeah," The blue jay dropped the chair and lit and smoked a cigarette and said with a badass expression, "Suck it, bitch!"

The two then high-fived each other before they turned their attention to the injured cactus mouse, after which they glared and nodded to each other. They pulled up their sleeves and hauled her out the dinner theatre by the shoulders to the back of the building.

So did they do to her back there? Cuff her up and call the police to arrest her? Let her go with a warning never to try such a stunt again? No, they just proceeded to beat the ever-loving _crap_ out of her! Jesus…

"Ya like that? Huh, do ya? That's what we call 'Street Justice'!"

When they were finally done and Mordecai was busy calling the police to pick the severely beaten Priscilla up, Rigby was shot his fits up in the air and did a victory dance.

"YES! WE DID IT! WE **BEAT UP A LITTLE GIRL!"**

Mordecai closed his cellphone and low-fived Rigby, saying, "Yeah. Nobody messes with the mayor when Mordecai and Rigby are on-"

_**Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!**_

"Oh shit…"

They ran to the front of the dinner theatre just in time to see Bad Bill and his band of goons running out the theatre and into a truck that just pulled up. It took off before either could catch up to it.

Already having a good idea what had just happened, Mordecai and Rigby looked at each other and gulped and ran into the theatre, through the reception and into the chaotic theatre. There, their worst fears were confirmed.

Mayor Daffy Duck lay there dead, his table overturned, its cloth over his body and a massive gunshot wound on his neck where a growing pool of blood formed. There were also a couple of bleeding shot wounds on his chest.

They stood there, looking over the body of their dead boss horror-stricken, until Rigby asked Mordecai simply, "Do you think we'll still get our pay cheque?"

* * *

After what would obviously become known as the "Daffy Duck Assassination", the Dinner Theatre cancelled that night's production and shut down. It soon turned out that Bad Bill and co. were the backup plan if Priscilla were to fail in her assassination. The Penguin always thought two steps ahead and this sure proved it.

Luckily for the dinner theatre, Daffy's death and Daniel Radcliff's near death experience there would actually do them and Radcliff a hell of a lot more good than bad, business and publicity wise. It did not do so well for Mordecai and Rigby, however, who received a furious phone call from Yosemite Sam after the theatre closed and police took their statements. Sam immediately cut up their licences and informed them that they "wouldn't bodyguard in this city never again". So before they knew what hit them, their careers as bodyguards went down the toilet.

After finding out said crushing news, the two best friends sat down in the closed dinner theatre on the edge of the stage where Radcliff was nearly killed. Their ties and shirt collars were undone and they having themselves a bottle of cider with which to drown their miseries.

Whilst they were drinking themselves numb, neither at first noticed Daniel Radcliff, who had a lot of bandages tied over his head, along with Benson approaching them.

"Hey guys, how're you doing?" Benson asked them nonchalantly, his hands tucked in his tan coat pockets.

"Oh, we're just walking on sunshine, dancing through rainbows – Dude, how do you THINK we're doing?" Mordecai groaned irritably and ran his wings over his head.

"Relax, you idiot. I was being rhetorical," Benson rolled his eyes. "Look, I just came over to tell you guys that, in foreseeing something like this would happen, you can have your old jobs back."

Rigby raised an eyebrow, "What, you mean we lost them in the first place?"

"Well, duh! You actually thought you could be both bodyguards to the mayor and groundskeepers at the same time? Get real! I was hiring a temp guy while you were busy playing guards. Nice guy, but that's another story." Benson zipped up his coat, turned around and walked towards the exit, telling them as he did, "I'll see you both at the house in the morning…freaking idiots are lucky I still them sleep at…" His grumbling faded off as he vanished through the reception area.

"Well…I think the more important question is how YOU'RE doing, Daniel." Mordecai stated, Rigby and him looking over at the injured actor, who was carrying his coat over his shoulder.

"Ah, the doctor said I'm gonna be fine. That psycho kid only winged the side of my head. He also said I was _electric_ as Nathan Detroit." He put his hand on Mordecai's shoulder. "What did you guys think of me?"

"Actually, you were luminous, magnetic..." Rigby sighed and then waved his hand in mid-air. "Incandescent."

"Cheer up, mate. Personally, I think you two made great bodyguards."

This perked the two up considerably, making them smile a bit and the racoon inquired, "Seriously? I mean, you'd say we were, like…magnetic?"

"Absolutely," The actor replied with a literal twinkle in his whitened teeth.

"Thanks, Dude," Mordecai shook his hand in appreciation. "Coming from you, that really means a lot."

Walking out the backstage door, the trio came across a crowd of people, from fan boys to reporters, all begging for Daniel's attention regarding either himself in general or the events that night. There had to be at least three hundred people there so getting through it alone would be near enough impossible.

"Ugh!" Daniel rubbed his sinuses in aggravation. This was the LAST thing he needed tonight. He looked at his friends and said, "Mordecai, Rigby, I think you both know what to do."

Shrugging to each other a basic 'ah, fuck it', Mordecai picked Daniel up in his wings just as he did about a month ago and proceeded to carry him through the crowd with Rigby leading them. As they did, the blue jay and racoon kicked, punched, stabbed and even shot a few of the excited citizens. After all, they may have taken their licences, but they still had their suits, sunglasses and most of all, their 'pieces'…

* * *

So that's the story; wraps her all up. Things seem to have worked out pretty well for the Mordecai and Rigby and it was a pretty wacky chronicle of Gotham, one those two will definitely recall in their elder years, don't you think? Made me laugh to beat the band, parts anyway and I'm the fucker who wrote this shit. Course, not too pretty seeing Daffy going out the way he did. But hey, that's Comedy for you, eh? It makes you laugh your ass off, and then Bam! Tragedy and Drama comes crashing down on you like white on rice in a glass of milk on a paper plate in a snowstorm. Ah, fuck it, I'm rambling again. Hope you folks enjoyed yourselves and just remember, they're thousands of Gotham Chronicles and I know, uh, about one hundred and sixty-two of 'em. Anyway, let's sign off with the song from the hit motion picture, 'The Body Guard'…

_**And I will always love you. **_

_**I will always love you. **_

_**I will always love you. **_

_**I will always love you. **_

_**I will always love you. **_

_**I, I will always love you. **_

_**You, darling, I love you. **_

_**Ooh, I'll always, I'll always love you.**_

* * *

**(A/N) Okay, everyone, that's my first Gotham chronicle done and I look forward to doing more in the future. Of course, many will be fanmakes based off episodes of popular sitcoms, so if you have any suggestions, lemme know. Read and review.**

**P.s. If you know which film the final speech was based on, you have my undying respect.**

**P.s.s I've altered the beginning of the first chapter to match the ending here. So do check that out.**


End file.
